Lover's Lost
by trixafaerie
Summary: Remus ficlet...OotP Spoilers so do not read unless you've read book 5! Basically his point of view on what happens in the book, one part in particular (You know it if you read the book)...Please R&R this is only first draft!


Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own anything to do with Harry Potter (or his Wheezy), they are all J.K. Rowling'sand I have borrowed direct quotes from her in order to enhance this story, 

Warning: OotP Spoilers! Do not read unless you have read Harry Potter V: The Order of the Phoenixand a Warning that this fic isreally bad to say the least. You've been warned. 

Summary: Remus Lupin's point of view on happenings in the book and before. Contains major occurancein OotP, so can't say much else (You know what I'm speaking of)

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Remus lay back, sighing contentedly as he looked at his love sleeping peacefully beside him. There was hardly every peace in Sirius anymore, he was constantly worried about him. Everything had seemed to be improving since Remus taught at Hogwarts two year ago. He was glad to have met James' son Harry, relieved to see he was actually more like Lily than James, and when knowing Harry had found his godfather, Remus had been happy for their family bond. Sirius had been so tired, not just lack of sleep but an eternal tiredness that was almost down to the bone, when someone had given up all hope. It had utterly destroyed him to see Sirius that way, since he realized he was still very much in love with him. 

A shudder ran through Remus' body as he imagined Azkaban Prison, knowledge combined from Sirius and his own encounters with dementors, he knew he would never want to be there. It was a wonder Sirius had been in as good condition as he had been, his will not yet broken. He had not been sure of what to do, with all the things going on at the time of their reunion (Sirius being a wanted person and all). He wasn't sure when would be a good time to really talk to him, assuming he wanted to remain friends still (Remus could not hope for more, he had not even visited Sirius in Azkaban). If they were friends Remus could look after him and help him get better, he could still be around even if their relationship could not return to the level it had been during and just after their stay at Hogwarts. As the rain pelted the windows outside, he remembered an important night. 

"I need to talk, Sirius, if you've got a moment," Remus had started, leading him into the safe house Albus set up for Sirius at the time. 

"Of course, I haven't got anything else to do but stay out of sight, I'd welcome the company," he agreed, his voice a hollow comparison of its former strength. 

They went into the kitchen, one of two rooms and a bathroom, where Remus set out to make tea and Sirius started a fire. It had been a while since anyone had used this cabin, as he barely found any supplies suitable for living off of. He gave Sirius his tea and leaned against the counter drinking his, thinking of how to say what he meant to. He decided to try and be the reckless one for once and just get it out in the open and see what happens then. To take a chance for once, no matter how nervous he was. He cleared his throat but no sound came for a second, while Sirius turned to look at him expectantly. 

It all came out as one big sentence, not at all coherent: "I wanted to know what you felt on us as an 'us' and I really love you and never stopped and oh Sirius and I just want all your pain to go away and I want to be with you but maybe friends if you don't want to be with me that's fine I wouldn't want to be with me either so I'd understand completely-"

"Moony."

He had to take a deep breath before he could do anything at all. He looked up from his shoes and saw Sirius had a smile on his face, which lightened the knot in his stomach. "Yes?"

Sirius never responded but stood up and was in front of Remus before he even blinked. Then Sirius was kissing him and it was the greatest thing in the world and he never felt more relieved. Everything was ok, Sirius loved him still, his life had meaning. As Sirius deepened the kiss, Remus felt the need to heal all his wounds, give him as much warmth as he could offer, give himself completely to Sirius, all his love, all his protection, his entire soul. They both had tears coming down but that was okay too and they continued to kiss each other like crazy, tea long forgotten. Sirius pulled them towards the living room/bedroom, never breaking the kiss. Remus took off their coats and shoes and they laid down on the bed together, still kissing and cuddling and enjoying each other's presence. 

"Remus?" Sirius had asked after a little while, his voice mumbled into Remus' shirt. 

"Hmm?" He replied, stilling his hand which had been fooling with Sirius' hair.

"I love you, you know that?"

"Um, maybebut you can always remind me every so often. I love you too, I've waited so long, I missed you so much it hurt, I-" Sirius had decided Remus' incoherent blabbering could better be expressed physically.

"Just kiss me Remus, please," he asked, which made it that more saddening. Remus just wanted him to be healed, to forget all the pain he ever felt, he didn't deserve to live in agony. 

Remus brought himself back to the present with a shuddering breath, trying to stabilize himself. He watched Sirius sleep for some time, noticing how he always seemed so peaceful in sleep. He knew he slept better when Remus was there, it was the same for both of them. He only wished he could be here more often. The Order of the Phoenix had to be put above all else, however, because without their success there wouldn't be anything left to come home to in the end. Remus often wished they could live a normal life, be able to go out in the open together and he able to provide Harry with the support he needed, without the constant worry that racked his brain. The worrying had taken its toll too, he could tell it every time he looked in the mirror. His hair was grayer, his skin paler and he had more wrinkles than he should for someone his age. 

Sirius stirred in his sleep and he could not help but be reminded of how anxious Sirius had been lately. Harry being attacked by dementors did not help at all, but he could tell there was a fit of cabin fever in him, not that Remus could blame him (it was mostly the animal inside him). Remus could not help but worry if he was at the breaking point, with his mother constantly yelling at what a disgrace he is and that awful Kreacher scorning him at every turn. It was enough to turn a stronger man to drink. Sirius had improved somewhat since Harry had arrived safe and sound, if a bit angry with his two best friends. Sirius so often shut himself off from everyone, hiding away in Buckbeak's room and yelling at Remus when he tried to talk to him.

"You don't understand, you don't know what it's like being cooped up inside, wanting to tear everything to shreds and bite everyone's heads off. I'm not doing anything useful to the Order! You get to go outside and go on missions and be helpful!" He bellowed at Remus, who had nothing to say because it was true, he had just come from an assignment. But he did understand about feeling locked up inside, he was a werewolf, remember? Later, of course, Sirius kept apologizing for yelling and they made up, no lasting damage to their rows. They still loved each other and always would. They were blood bonded, they would always be together and there was nothing stronger than the love they felt for one another. 

The day the kids had gotten their Hogwarts letters was one of many varying emotions around Grimmauld Place. Ron and Hermione were both excited (or surprised) at being Prefects next school year and both tried to ignore the taunts of Fred and George. Everyone tried not to mention the most recent Weasley Prefect in order to not spoil the mood but it was an under current of tension at times. Sirius was off and on, moody because he didn't want them to leave for school and happy along with everyone else. Part of the conversation they were having had caught my attention from across the room. 

"What about you, Sirius?" Ginny had asked, thumping Hermione on the back to help with her gulp of Butterbeer.

Sirius let out his barklike laugh, which was nice to hear more often. "No one would have made me a Prefect, I spent too much time in detention with James. Lupin was the good boy, he got the badge," he said with a slight wink in my direction. 

"I think Dumbledore might have hoped that I would be able to exercise some control over my best friends," Remus had said jokingly, rising to Sirius' bait. "I need scarcely say that I failed dismally." They all laughed at that and dissipated into separate conversations. Sirius got us both some wine and we leaned against the table, touching only enough to assure each other we were still there. All of a sudden Sirius' eyes widened and he looked towards Harry and Mad-Eye Moody, leaning over something. I followed his line of vision and saw the expression Harry had, which Mad-Eye was oblivious to. Before I could do or say anything, Sirius had been up and approaching them. 

"What's that you've got there, Mad-Eye?" He asked curiously, covering his emotion well. 

"Oh, a photograph of the original Order, I was just showing it to Harry" he drawled off as he realized Harry had hastily exited the room. 

"May I see that, please?" Remus had asked a very confused Moody. Sirius leaned over his shoulder to get a look at the picture, where everyone was smiling and moving about.

"I was explaining who they were, what happened to them, that sort of thinghe seemed interested, wonder where he buggered off to?"

Sirius gripped his shoulder tightly as he saw more familiar faces of the two of them, James, Lily, Peter, Hagrid, and the many of those who were no longer with them. Sirius looked furious and Remus was feeling quite appalled at Mad-Eye's lack of foresight. Obviously this would upset Harry quite a bit, all of these deaths at Voldemort's hands. Remus decided to go upstairs and lie down, his head hurt and he had had enough excitement for one day. He motioned for Sirius to follow but didn't wait for an acknowledgement. He heard screaming from down the hall as he reached the second floor and found a startled looking Harry watching a distraught Molly. She was crying over Harry's dead body; he could tell right away what was going on. 

"Riddikulus!" He shouted, the boggart disappeared but Molly was still crying. He gathered her in his arms and let her lean on his shoulder, giving her his handkerchief. "Molly, that's enough, this isn't like last time. The Order are better prepared, we've got a head start, we know what Voldemort's up to-" She squeaked at his name. "Oh, Molly, come on, it's about time you got used to hearing it--look, I can't promise no one's going to get hurt, nobody can promise that, but we're much better off than we were last time, you weren't in the Order then, you don't understand, last time we were outnumbered twenty to one by the Death Eaters and they were picking us off one by one"

"Don't worry about Percy," Sirius said abruptly (He hadn't even heard him come up). "He'll come around. It's a matter of time before Voldemort moves out into the open; once he does, the whole Ministry's going to be begging us to forgive them. And I'm not so sure I'll be accepting their apology," he added in a bitter tone he used when discussing them.

"And as for who's going to look after Ron and Ginny if you and Arthur died," Remus said, a slight smile towards Molly then Sirius,"what do you think we'd do, let them starve?" Molly got up and left, dabbing her eyes but Remus couldn't help but think what would happen if they died. No, he thought with conviction, too many families have been broken apart by him, Voldemort will not repeat his past actions, he would not let it happen if it was the last thing he did

"Remus, come on," Sirius pulled him towards the door and they went upstairs to bed. Remus changed into his blue silk pajamas Sirius had given him and brushed his teeth. He noticed Sirius hadn't bothered to change and just stripped down to his boxers, the covers pulled tight up to his neck. He was making little snoring noises pretending to be asleep, which disconcerted him. He also had a lot on his mind at the moment, maybe it was for the better.

"Remus?" Sirius asked, voice thick with unshed tears. "Do you ever wish we could be back at school without a care in the world? Back with James and Lily and being able to be a real couple and being so full of hope and wonder"Remus turned in time to see a single tear fall. He cupped his hand around Sirius' face and stared into the eyes of the one he loved so much.

"Of course I do, but we are different people now and better for all the trials and tribulations we've had to face, it's made us stronger and we are a much better couple then we were back then, you know that. And I miss James and Lily as much as you do, but you have to believe they are in a better place now and would want you to live your life to the fullest. And those who die are never truly gone from us if we keep them in our hearts foreverThis is how life is, we can't really change that. We still have each other, that counts for something. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you,"

"Well, you're never going to find out cause I'm not going anywhere. I love you, Remus, that will never change. Nowyou don't really feel like sleeping, do you?" And with that he kissed him passionately.

Sirius was better now, he told himself, he had more human contact and was even able to go out for some fresh air every once in a while, despite his warnings. All of them were receiving updates as to the Hogwarts situation from either Harry, Dumbledore, or Severus. It seemed Hogwarts, the place which was usually the only stable and safe thing, was changing drastically with Dolores Umbridge there from the Ministry. All those educational decrees whenever there was anything she didn't likeSirius got really agitated because he couldn't do anything about it, but Remus managed to distract him as much as possible, giving up a couple of assignments to Tonks so he could be at HQ more often. Sirius was outraged when he heard Gryffindor lost George, Fred, and Harry from their Quidditch team but as long as he reminded him of Harry's secret DA meetings he would cheer up and beam with pride, commenting on his Marauder-like qualities. Remus had to admit it was a great idea, they needed to know all they could for the war against Voldemort. 

After Arthur was attacked, Harry took to Buckbeak's room just like Sirius, assuming he was a danger to the lot of them (which clearly was not the case). Sirius was elated at having everyone over for Christmas and was cheerier than he's seen him in a long time. The trip on Christmas Day to visit St. Mungos was quite the experience, though he felt he could have done better by that poor werewolf. Sirius' mood evaporated soon after, knowing break would end soon. 

The death of Broderick Bode caused quite a shock to all of them. The fact that something like that could happen at St. Mungos Hospital of all places, and Devil's Snare as well! That should have been identifiable soonerThe general effect was that they were all a little jumpier and upset for a while, how easily they could die on public display in the newspaper. 

Sirius decided they needed a day off from worrying and spent the day in bed, making love, reading, talking, playing chess, making lovefinally he decided to take a shower and Remus went downstairs to write a letter to Charlie and make some dinner. He was sitting at the table when all of a sudden he had heard "Sirius?" He jumped up and looked around in alarm.

"Harry!" He couldn't help but be shocked and alarmed at his appearance in the fire. He knew the Floo was being watched, especially at Hogwarts. "What are you--what's happened, is everything all right?"  
"Yeah, I just wondered--I mean, I just fancied a--chat with Sirius."

"I'll call him," he said as he rose, still perplexed. "He went upstairs to look for Kreacher, he seems to be hiding in the attic again" It seemed as plausible an excuse as anything. Maybe he was looking for Kreacher and that is why he was taking so long. He met Sirius on the way up and explained what he could. They returned to the kitchen, both of them concerned at what was going on. 

"What is it?" Sirius asked urgently, sweeping his long dark hair out of his eyes and dropping to the ground in front of the fire, so that he and Harry were on a level; Remus knelt down too, feeling very concerned still. "Are you all right? Do you need help?"  
"No," said Harry, "it's nothing like thatI just wanted to talkabout my Dad"

At this he looked to Sirius with surprise, wondering what that could mean. Harry went on to explain a day when Sirius and James had tortured a younger Severus, a memory Harry had accidentaly seen in a Pensieve from Occlumency lessons. Neither of them spoke for a second or two after he finished recounting what had happened. He had remembered that day as well, it was the first time Sirius had said anything of his feelings for Remus, it was a day Remus would not soon forget.

"I wouldn't like you to judge your father on what you saw there, Harry. He was only fifteen-"

"I'm fifteen!" Harry said heatedly. He knew, he regretted the comment, he had felt as though he understood more than people knew when he was that age as well. He had been wrong as Harry was then. 

"Look, Harry," said Sirius placatingly, "James and Snape hated each other from the moment they set eyes on each other, it was just one of those things, you can understand that, can't you? I think James was everything Snape wanted to be--he was popular, he was good at Quidditch, good at pretty much everything. And Snape was just this oddball who was up to his eyes in the Dark Arts and James--whatever else he may have appeared to you, Harry--always hated the Dark Arts."

"Yeah," said Harry, "but he just attacked Snape for no good reason, just because--well, because you said you were bored," he finished with a slightly apologetic note in his voice. 

"I'm not proud of it," Sirius replied quickly.

Remus looked sideways at Sirius then said, "Look, Harry, what you've got to understand is that your father and Sirius were the best in the school at whatever they did--everyone thought they were the height of cool--if they sometimes got a bit carried away--"

"If we were sometimes arrogant little berks, you mean," Sirius said and Remus smiled. Yes, arrogant and for good reason. They were absolutely irresistible to almost every girl and in Sirius' case, a couple of the guys as well. How he had gotten to be their friends was still beyond him, he was just another little bookworm.

"He kept messing up his hair," Harry said in a pained voice. 

The both of them laughed, something Sirius needed to do more often. "I'd forgotten he used to do that," Sirius said affectionately. 

"Was he playing with the Snitch?" Remus asked eagerly, trying to remember what it was like back then. He had forgotten so much of it, he needed it back like the flowers need water after a draught. 

"Yeah," Harry said, staring at him uncomprehendingly as they just beamed reminiscently. "WellI thought he was a bit of an idiot." 

"Of course he was a bit of an idiot!" said Sirius bracingly. "We were all idiots! Well--not Moony so much," he said fairly, looking to Remus but he just shook his head. 

"Did I ever tell you to lay off Snape?" he asked, something he had always regretted. They had been so cruel at times. "Did I ever have the guts to tell you I thought you were out of order?"

"Yeah, well," Sirius said," you made us feel ashamed of ourselves sometimesthat was something"

"And," Harry said, bringing his attention back to the fire, "he kept looking over at the girls by the lake, hoping they were watching him!"

"Oh, well, he always made a fool of himself whenever Lily was around," Sirius shrugged it off. "He couldn't stop himself showing off whenever he got near her."

"How come she married him?" Harry asked miserably. "She hated him!"  
"Nah, she didn't," Sirius said. How had Harry gotten such the wrong ideas?

"She started going out with him in Seventh year," Remus clarified.

"Once James deflated his head a bit," Sirius said.

"And stopped hexing people for the fun of it," he added in.

"Even Snape?" Harry asked.

"Well," Remus said slowly. "Snape was a special case. I mean, he never lost an opportunity to curse James, so you couldn't really expect James to take that lying down, could you?"

"And my Mum was okay with that?"

"She didn't know too much about it, to tell you the truth," said Sirius. "I mean, James didn't take Snape on dates with her and jinx him in front of her, did he?" Sirius frowned at Harry, who was still looking unconvinced. "Look, your father was the best friend I ever had, and he was a good person. A lot of people are idiots at the age of fifteen. He grew out of it."

"Yeah, okay," Harry said heavily. "I just never thought I'd feel sorry for Snape."

"Now you mention it, "Remus said, thinking logically for once, and worried at what that might mean, "how did Snape react when he found you'd seen all this?"

"He told me he'd never teach me Occlumency again," said Harry indifferently, "like that's a big disappoint-"

"He WHAT?" Sirius shouted, causing Remus and Harry to jump. 

"Are you serious, Harry?" Remus asked quickly. "He's stopped giving you lessons?"

"Yeah, but it's okay, I don't care, it's actually a bit of a relief to tell you the-"

"I'm coming up there to have a word with Snape!" Sirius said forcefully and went to stand but he pulled him back down. 

"If anyone's going to tell Snape it will be me!" Remus said firmly. "But Harry, first of all, you're to go back to Snape and tell him that on no account is he to stop giving you lessons--when Dumbledore hears-"

"I can't tell him that, he'll kill me!" said Harry, outraged. "You didn't see him when we got out of the Pensieve-"

"Harry, there is nothing so important as you learning Occlumency!" Remus said sternly. "Do you understand me? Nothing!"

"Okay, okay," said Harry, obviously annoyed. "I'llI'll try and say something to himBut it won't be" Remus could hear footsteps in the background. Where was Harry calling from?

"Is that Kreacher coming downstairs?"

"No," said Sirius, glancing behind him. "It must be somebody your end"

"I'd better go!" Harry yelled and with that his face disappeared from the fire, leaving them to their memories of days long since gone. Neither of them said anything but just stared for a while into the past. 

Days went by after that and Molly told them of Fred and George's raucous departure from school and how the beginning of the O.W.L.s were affecting the students. Remus hoped they did well, they should be fine in Defense Against the Dark Arts from their little group. He remembered his tests, he had thought they were easy when he had taken them, though he had really stressed before hand. Especially DADAbut come on, werewolf signs? He should know those by heart. 

An urgent yell from Sirius and he was brought back to the present. He set down the book he neglected to read and joined him downstairs where there were a couple of Order members standing at the door, ready to go. He looked from Moody to Tonks to Kingsley in surprise. "It's the kids, they headed to the Ministry looking for me and Death Eaters are there, we're leaving right away!" Sirius shouted. Remus was still shocked and trying to fill in the missing logic pieces so just followed along, apparating. 

He looked down into the room Kingsley said they were in and found the fighting already happening around them. He noticed Bellatrix Lestrange, Antoni Dolohov, Malfoy, Rookwood, and Macnair. Everyone was dueling so he could not afford to check the others while he hexed Rookwood, who merely fell over. He could hear curses flying everywhere around him and it was like mad chaos. He tried to make his way towards Harry to make sure he was okay and find out what happened to the prophecy. Neville dropped it when a spell hit and Remus could tell Harry was struggling uselessly to hear what it said; but it was just far too noisy, he couldn't hear a thing. Remus was looking for Sirius when he spotted Dumbledore all of a sudden and his hopes rose--everything should be okay, he would know what to do next. 

Then the world shattered around him. Everyone had gone silent with Albus' arrival and that's when they noticed a pair still fighting, ignoring everyone else. He saw Sirius teasing Bellatrix, his cousin, and there was another shot of red light straight at Sirius' chest. He did not worry, Sirius was strong enough to withstand a couple hits. Then, he started to fall almost in slow motion and Remus couldn't breathe. Just then, Harry dashed across the floor in an attempt to go to Sirius and Remus grabbed him. 

"SIRIUS!" Harry yelled, anguish in his young voice. 

"There's nothing you can do, Harry--"

"Get him, save him, he's only just gone through!"

  
"It's too late, Harry--" Remus had to breathe before he could speak again. 

"We can still reach him--" Harry protested, struggling in his arms. 

"There's nothing you can do, HarryHe's gone."

"He hasn't gone!" Harry yelled back. "SIRIUS! SIRIUS!"

"He can't come back, Harry," he said, voice breaking as he tried to contain Harry. "He can't come back, because he's d--"

"HE--IS--NOT--DEAD!" roared Harry. "SIRIUS!"

"Harry?" Neville had slid down the stone benches to the place where Harry stood. Harry was no longer struggling against him but he had his arm on him in case. "HarryI'b really sorryWas dat man--was Sirius Black a--a friend of yours?"

Harry only nodded solemly. "Here, Finite," Remus said, pointing his wand at Neville's legs. "Let's--let's find the others. Where are they, Neville?" Every word was causing him pain, he couldn't take it much longer. He turned away so they could not see the glisten of tears in his eyes. 

"Dey're back dere. A brain addacked Ron bud I dink he's all righd--and Herbione's unconscious, but we could feel a bulse--"

There was a loud bang and a yell from beyond the dais. Remus saw Kingsley, yelling in pain, hit the ground. Bellztrix Lestrange turned tail and ran as Dumbledore whipped around. He aimed a spell at her btu she deflected it. She was halfway up the steps already-- "Harry, no!" Remus cried, Harry slipping away from his slackened grip. 

"SHE KILLED SIRIUS! SHE KILLED HIM! I'LL KILL HER!" Harry ran and Remus knew there was nothing for him to do for him at that point. He helped Neville find the others and healed what he could for the moment, helping them all upstairs and back to twelve Grimmauld Place. As soon as he entered, it was like a blow to the chest. Sirius was gone, we were in his family's house but he could no longer be there with us. He was never coming home. He shook his head, he couldn't think about that yet. He set out to do the mundane--get everyone fed and healed and in bed resting before the others arrived back, probably in worse shape than these lot. 

The following days flew by in a daze, he still could not admit anything had happened yet, especially out loud--it would make it too final, irreversible. They all went down to the train station at Platform 9 3/4 to await Harry's return home for the summer. He hadn't had a chance to talk to Harry yet, it would have to wait until later, he supposed. Tonks came with, her hair a bright pink and her clothes matching in their shock value, Mad-Eye with his bowler hat pulled over his eye, the Weasleys in their best Muggle clothes, and Fred and George with their new dragonshide jackets greeted them off the train. 

"Hello, Harry," Remus greeted as Mrs. Weasley released him. 

"Hi, I didn't expectwhat are you all doing here?"

"Well, we thought we might have a little chat with your aunt and uncle before letting them take you home," Remus replied with a small smile. 

"I dunno if that's a good idea," Harry said quickly. 

"Oh, I think it is. That'll be them, then, Potter?" Mad-Eye asked, approaching them. 

"Ah, Harry. Well--shall we do it then?" Arthur asked, coming away from the Grangers. 

"Yeah, I reckon so, Arthur."

"Good afternoon," Arthur greeted as he approached the Dursleys, who looked shocked (or embarrassed as far as Mrs. Dursley was concerned) at their reception committee. "You might remember me, my name's Arthue Weasley. We thought we'd just have a few words with you about Harry."

"Yeah, about how he's treated when he's at your place," Mad-Eye growled.

"I am not aware that it is any of your business what goes on in my house--" Mr. Dursley replied indignantly. 

"I expect what you're not aware of would fill several books, Dursley."

"Anyway, that's not the point," Tonks interjected, trying to steer the conversation to it's actual purpose. "The point is, if we find out you've been horrible to Harry--"

"--and make no mistake, we'll hear about it," Remus added in a overly pleasant voice.

Mad-Eye and Mr. Dursley continued to 'talk' to each other and we took turns saying goodbye to everyone. 

"Take care, Harry," Remus said quietly. "Keep in touch." Harry barely nodded but it was enough. He patted his shoulder and tried focusing on something else. 

After seeing Harry home, he dedicated himself to his work for the Order, especially anything having Bellatrix connected to it somehow. He was still in shock, he refused to believe Sirius, his Sirius, was dead. There had to be a way to get him back somehow, he only fell beyond the veil, Ministry said people never came back from there but 'where there's a will there's a way' (and he definitely had the determination). And if that wasn't possible he couldn't imagine why he would want to continue living this empty shell of a life. His Sirius, his best friend, his everything, gone. It would be like living without a soul, without a heart. 

"Remus?" Tonks snuck her head in the study and saw Remus reading up on people's theories of 'coming back'. "Remushe's not coming back; you need to start believing that for your own sake. Anyway, Arthur wants your help on something before the kids arrive," she said deflatedly, leaving him to his solitude once more. Nobody understands, he thought as he descended the stairs. He glanced out the window and saw the moon--it was almost full, how had he overlooked that? He turned away as the doorbell rang and Mrs. Black roared to life. 

"FILTHY BLOOD TRAITORS! LEAVE MY HOUSE! HE'S DEAD, HA! HE DISGRACED MY FAMILY NAME! DING-DONG THE WIZARDS DEAD" she cackled maniacally, screaming at her normal pitch. He moved to close the curtains and tried to ignore the pain he felt inside, continuing on down the staircase to the foyer.

"Remus! Good to see you!" Bill greeted him at the bottom of the stairs as he hung up his umbrella. 

"When is everyone else expected?"

"Any second now, Da's arriving on the Floo and everyone else is finding their own way here. Tonks and Moody went to get Harry from Privet DriveFirewisky?" Remus accepted and sat with Bill as he told him of everything he had learned that day concerning two Death Eaters connections in the Ministry of Magic. 

It was night before everyone had arrived. Fred and George went upstairs with Mundungus, probably to try out some new product of theirs, with Ginny as a test subject. Molly and Arthur were dealing with some kind of enchanted cabinet in the attic and Bill was talking to Tonks in the den on the new Quidditch standings. Mad-Eye was dozing on the couch, slightly drooling onto his cloak. Harry, Hermione, and Ron were all sitting in the kitchen with some snacks and Butterbeer, chatting about summers so far. He wanted to let them have their fun, not bring up a depressing subject again, especially for Harry, whom he could tell was not half as happy as he tried to appear for everyone else. 

"Harry? Can we talk?" He had been sitting quietly in a corner beforehand, just him and his bottle, they hadn't noticed him until he spoke. 

"Uh, sure what about?"

"I miss him too, you know," he started to stand but swayed a little and plopped back onto the stool. "more than you probably realize"

"I know he was your best friend" Harry said painfully. 

"He was more than my best friend, he was everything"he sighed and tried to think of how to continue. If only they had told him before, but how could they have known? They had only just gotten their relationship back on track. "You see, he and Iwe were really close and-"

"I know, the Marauderslike my DadI'm sorry but-"

"No, Harry, you're not seeing itand I"

"Were lovers?" Hermione added in. Wow, she definitely doesn't miss a thing, considering he had forgotten there were more people even in the room. 

"Whoa! WHAT?" Harry yelled, looking between the two of us confusedly. 

"Harry, don't be a git" Hermione warned but Remus already saw in Harry's expression he wasn't going to accept this right away. 

"Harry, mate, don'tfreak out so muchit's not that big a deal, doesn't change anything you didn't already know" Remus was shocked to hear Ron say this, sounding older than he usually acts. At Remus' glances he laughed. "What? I 'spose I'm okay with it because of Charliethe real reason he's staying in Romania is because of some bloke he fancies out there."

"What? Waithold onthis is too much, is this some kind of joke.it's not funny!"

"Harry, sorry, this is not a jokewe should have told you sooner you see but that was always up to Sirius and there have been a lot more important things going on," Remus sighed deeply and stood, clutching the bottle and walking towards the stairs. "I understand that this is a lot for one night, I just hope someday you could be okay with this and not shut me out" He walked towards the stairs, hearing Hermione yell at Harry for his behavior yet again. It was no matter, he had not expected much anyway. He just wanted to go to bed and never wake again. He downed the rest of the alcohol and flopped down on top of the lonely, empty bed. 

He was woken up by a loud crowing noise just outside the door. "Remus! Time to wake up!" Molly yelled. He was going to kill her for this. 

"Go 'way."

"No, you've been in there for days now and someone needs to knock some sense right into you! Alohamora!" The door burst open and she entered, opening all the curtains and blinding him with the sunlight. 

"You don't get it, do you? Sirius is gone! There's no point anymore"

"Now, hush, you. What would he say if he saw you like this?"  
"Well he can't can he? He's dead and there is no reason I shouldn't be as well. Werewolves mate for life, you know, there isn't anything I can doI loved him too much"

"There is no such thing as lovin' a person too much, you loved him just right and he loved you more than you ever realized, I could see it. But that's not the point, you have your job in the Order, you have all your friends waiting downstairs, especially Harry who needs youHe misses Sirius too you know," Molly tried to reason.

"He hates me, I told him the truth about Sirius and I and he stared at me!"  
"Of course he did, 'twas a shock! You can't be blaming him for one moment of surprise, he doesn't hate you at all, he wants to talk to you very much and wishes you would come out of hiding. The memorial service is later todaythere is no way you are missing that." And with that, she left him to his thoughts. 

Everything had gotten all mixed up and confusing. One minute he felt like ending it right here and now and another minute he was filled with determination to make sure the Order succeeded and killed Voldemort himself. Not to mention Harry, who he should really talk to again like Molly said. He felt Sirius would have wanted him to look after him since he couldn'tHe swung his legs over the bed and ran a hand through his graying hair. Okay, he had to get up and out of bed, he was becoming stagnant. He showered and dressed in time for dinner before the service. 

"Remus, I would like to ask you to give the eulogy if you would," Albus asked him in private before they ate. He shuddered as he repressed more tears, surprised he could still have more wanting to escape. He thought about it and nodded, figuring he should though he really didn't want to have to go through that again. Just like James and Lily's funeralSirius said a few words but couldn't go on and that left Remus to be the one to stand and be strong. Now it was Sirius' and he really didn't want to have to be strong anymore, but he would. For Sirius. 

He looked out at the people siting in the pewsthere wasn't a whole lot, most people didn't know about it really since he had been assumed to be a wanted murderer for the longest time. That did not matter to Remus, though, he knew Sirius would want those who mattered most and they were all in attendance. Harry was in the front row, surrounded by all the others, Mrs. Weasley hugging him every couple seconds and Ginny on his other side, holding a box of tissues should he need it. He never cried in front of anyone, not once since he had seen Sirius fall behind the curtain. Remus noticed Hermione and Ron leaning on each other for support and Bill sitting straight-backed next to his father, both looking distraught. Mad-Eye was uncomfortably trying to help a teary Tonks, who was blubbering all over Kingsley's shoulder. Dumbledore was soothing Professor McGonagall who was extremely pale (even for her). He noticed Charlie had come in last minute in the back with a tan, dark-haired man trying to comfort him. 

"Sirius Black was a noble man, despite popular opinion," Remus started, trying to make light so he would not break down before he even started. "He was a great mentor, friend, confidant, and godfather. He will be sorely missed but not forgotten," he remembered a conversation only a short while back"And those who die are never truly gone if you hold them in your hearts forever. When we were in school, he practically ruled the place (which got him in trouble quite often)," Dumbledore smiled slightly at that comment. "Everyone loved him, though none so much as Iafter that he was rocked with deaths of many of his friends, which he never fully recovered from and he was sent to Azkaban, but they did not destroy his hope. He was a valiant man, I only wish I could live up to his standards, and he died the way he would have wanted--in the fray of it all. II love him with all my heart and will miss him dearly" He walked off-stage and went outside to the graveyard, not being able to say anymore. Remus knew it was enough, Sirius never liked long speeches anyway, he would always get bored. 

"I love you, Sirius, never forget that" he said mostly to himself and wiped away the tears that fell silently down his face, watching the shadows play across the yard. All of a sudden arms went around his shoulders and he jumpedWho?

"I'm sorry for not saying anything before. I'm glad you told me and would like it if maybe you couldI dunno, be my godfather now or something? There isn't anybody leftnot that you're my last pick or anything"

"Harry, it's fine. It is what Sirius would have wanted and I would be honored," Remus said, putting his arm around Harry's shoulders, the boy who had seen too much in his years already (and there was more to come, he was sure of that). "Let's go inside and find the others" And they walked in, both grieving for the man they lost but both able to continue on. 


End file.
